Amid the growing challenges in modern relationships and marriage, Teacher X, a church staff member in East China engaged in marriage and family ministry, shared his insights on contemporary love and marriage education. He stressed that the church should adopt different approaches when guiding men and women.
Challenges for Women: The Strain Between Strong Women and Weak Men, and the Struggle with Submission
Teacher X noted that in today's China, particularly in major cities, it seems that difficulties in forming relationships and marriages are largely attributed to women's reluctance to enter marriage.
As women's survival needs, family roles, and social functions have evolved, they are not dependent on men anymore. Even the presence of a man is seen as disruptive. Many question, "Why should I raise another 'son'?" or "Why would I want a man to disrupt my life?"
Consequently, church teachings toward women on marriage and relationships are controversial, as they often highlight obedience and humility. Many ask, "Why should I submit to someone inferior to me?" When women surpass men in income, judgment, or discernment, it becomes difficult to embrace the idea of obedience. Even spiritually mature believers may wrestle with how much obedience is appropriate in marriage.
Teacher X emphasized, however, that obedience is not about relative capability but about first submitting to Christ. "The stronger one should take the lead in doing what is right," he explained.
The Absence of Brothers: Few in Number, Weakened Traits, and Lack of Responsibility
While the church's guidance for women is often clear, its attention to men is frequently insufficient and vague.
According to Teacher X, the number of men in the church is already small, and even among those who are present, many are ill-prepared for a life of faith, mature character, and emotional expression. Moreover, the influence of society, culture, and family structures increasingly diverges from biblical teachings in shaping men.
"Many boys grow up in matriarchal families, subconsciously developing patterns of female dominance and male withdrawal," he explained. This pattern often carries over into the next generation's marriages, producing "husbands with increasingly muted voices" and trapping couples in a cycle of "wife control and husband retreat." Within such cultural and psychological contexts, establishing a spiritual order in which "the husband is the head of the family" becomes a particularly challenging task.
Teacher X stressed, however, that male leadership should not succumb to the male chauvinism of traditional culture. Biblically, the husband, as the "head" of the family, assumes primary responsibility for service. "Housework, cooking, and laundry are not automatically the wife's duty; they should also be a husband's responsibility. The wife is a helper, naturally, she is also a helper in family responsibilities." What men need to recover is not mere authority but the responsibility of spiritual leadership: caring for their wives' emotions and well-being, setting an example in daily management, maintaining emotional stability, and providing spiritual guidance.
On the other hand, he also observed that modern society imposes high expectations on men. They are expected not only to earn a living but also to serve as emotional and practical pillars for their families. Coupled with the widespread belief that "it's acceptable if women don't work, but men who don't work have no future," these pressures intensify both psychological and practical burdens.
Therefore, Teacher X suggested that men should adjust their self-perceptions and avoid feeling solely responsible for supporting the entire family. At the same time, wives should moderate their expectations of their husbands, fostering mutual understanding and support. Within households, excessive disputes over who does more work should be avoided; following the principle of "the more capable, the more responsibility" aligns with the gospel teaching that those with greater ability are called to serve those with less.
Learning How to Love: Beyond Romance to Communication and Understanding
Teacher X also emphasized that many young people in today's church need to relearn the true meaning of love.
"Love is not merely a superficial romantic activity; it is a process of deep communication between two real individuals," he explained. The essence of dating is "talking"—constant communication and understanding—rather than simply going out, eating together, or watching movies. Before truly preparing for marriage, couples should discuss their upbringing, family background, values, attitudes toward money, core beliefs, and future plans.
Community Life and Premarital Counseling: Establishing Healthy Boundaries
A healthy community life is essential before entering a romantic relationship. Teacher X believes that church members should participate regularly in small groups and fellowships, allowing them to get to know one another naturally through daily interactions rather than relying solely on chance encounters or sudden blind dates. Community settings provide a more realistic environment to observe one another, helping assess character and personality.
When a relationship progresses toward marriage, couples must also navigate tensions within their families of origin. Teacher X noted that many parents become over-involved, projecting their unfulfilled dreams onto their children and seeking control. Young people, in turn, often oscillate between dependence and rebellion, lacking mature independent judgment. In premarital counseling, he guides couples to establish healthy boundaries with their parents and helps parents to "let go," reflecting the biblical principle of "leaving father and mother" in marriage.
He suggested that, when considering marriage, young people should listen to one another while also seeking guidance from parents, pastors, and spiritual elders. "Marriage is not a solitary decision; it is the culmination of faith, personal growth, relationships, and family considerations," Teacher X said. He emphasized that the church's role is not to dictate personal choices or to pressure believers into marriage, but to equip them spiritually, emotionally, and socially to follow God's will and establish a biblical family.
Originally published by the Gospel Times
- Edited by Karen Luo and translated by Poppy Chan
