Story: God Heal My Waywardness Through Mild Depression

A picture of a man with a bag holding a book
A picture of a man with a bag holding a book (photo:
By Chen YichengJanuary 24th, 2024

When it comes to love, I believe that many believers would think of the scenes described in the Song of Solomon: "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned." In my limited understanding, this statement describes the fundamental nature of love - faith, purity, and truth. Two young people, with pure faith, bravely reject all temptations from the world.

Money has evolved into the gold standard for determining a person's value and a crucial factor in choosing a mate in a consumerism-dominated era. You can be less handsome, but you cannot be without money.

For me, faith, money, and love were all essential to me in the past when I was a Christian.

I was born in Shangyu, the hometown of Zhu Yingtai, the heroine of a tragic Chinese romance legend the Butterfly Lovers, in Zhejiang Province. From a young age, the legend of the Butterfly Lovers influenced me, and I had beautiful expectations for my future spouse. However, my journey of love was not smooth; it was even quite difficult.

In high school, early romantic relationships were prohibited, leading to the continuous suppression of my emotional needs. In a world where only scores mattered, I only knew to study hard. It seemed like scores were the only lifeline I could grasp.

However, my college entrance exam results were far from ideal. I only got into a private three-year college in Shanghai, lacking the confidence to talk to girls. Until I graduated and entered society, I was rejected during job fairs and job interviews. In a few short years, I did a variety of jobs just to survive.

But as I immersed myself in the secular world, I gradually drifted away from God. One day, while flipping through books, I saw a line, "Only the Creator can define the value and meaning of the created."

It suddenly occurred to me that God determines my value, not success, wealth, status, class, size of the house, or noble identity. When I returned to Him, I knew I was justified through faith. Whenever I felt disappointed or even disgusted with myself, I believed that the One above had already accepted me.

With my three-year college degree, it was difficult to find a job. However, I eagerly desired success in my career. I worked seven days a week and rested only one day a month, proving my worth to the world, my superiors, and my parents. But when repeated failures came like waves, I went from being ambitious to falling into a deep abyss. I realized that the value system I had built over the years collapsed overnight, and my mental health was declining.

One late night, I was staying in a rented room in Ningbo, Zhejiang. Suddenly, I couldn't sleep, no matter how hard I tried. At two in the morning, a variety of scary thoughts surfaced in my mind. "Jump quickly, what's the meaning of your existence? Who in this world would love you?"

As I thought like this, I found myself almost leaning out of the window. I called my parents and sister dozens of times, but no one answered. At that moment, loneliness overwhelmed me, and my emotions spiraled out of control. Using the last bit of rationality, I told myself to quickly go to the hospital.

In the end, a kind driver took me to the hospital. The doctor asked what was wrong, and I said I couldn't sleep, with a pounding heart and shaking hands. The doctor measured my heart rate, saying there was no physiological problem but perhaps a psychological one. He suggested seeing a psychologist.

Later, my sister accompanied me to see a psychologist and underwent a series of psychological tests, with the result being mild depression. The doctor prescribed medication and advised me to go home and rest.

Back in my hometown of Shaoxing, Zhejiang, looking at the bottles of pills on the table, I couldn't help but ponder. Was I going to rely on these drugs to "cure" my mental state? Isn't He the true and living God?

I immediately kneeled and prayed, "Lord Jesus, please save me, who is truly a sinful person. Please heal my soul." That night, I didn't take any antidepressants and fell asleep peacefully.

The next day, I started reading the Bible, praying, and singing hymns. As my relationship with God grew closer, I found that I didn't need these medications at all. As my faith in Jesus became stronger, depression naturally disappeared.

Recently, I read the book The Great Doctrines of the Bible by Martyn Lloyd-Jones, and I realized that illness is a part of God's discipline for me. God wanted to heal my waywardness through my "mild depression." I no longer prove my worth with houses, tickets, cars, or appearance but understand that the value of life is in God.

- Translated by Abigail Wu

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