A Seminary Student’s Witness:Lord Kept Calling Me Back for Thousands of Times

The author
The author (photo: Xiao Tuo)
By Xiao Tuo September 12th, 2016

Only after you experience the helpless days, you can know that you can't rely on anything; only after you experience the disappointing times, you can know what you are searching for is void; only after you experience the stumbling moments, you can truly know Jesus' love can never left you.

Graduated in 2013, I was just like many young people who had a lot of dreams, longing to make my own career by working hard, so I came to Beijing and began my new life journey.

As one of the migrant workers in Beijing, I began my own career planning. At that time, I felt no one can help me except myself. So I began to rent an apartment, searching for a job, being interviewed...

Beijing is a materialistic bustling metropolis, which attracts so many people with its gorgeous appearance. Later, my heart changed, consequently,  I couldn't find my direction or even recognize myself. Every time when I saw a native Beijinger who can enjoy so many privileges, I envied their family background; every time when I went shopping and saw so many commodities, I felt pity for myself why I can only buy the cheapest things; every time I heard my friends' salaries reach more than ten thousands RMB, I hated myself why I couldn't earn more money; every time when I felt pressure of competition with my co-workers, I tried to earn all things.

Gradually, I realized that I was not happy at all, but far away from the Lord. Everyday when I came out of the subway after I got off work, I stood on the overpass, lowering my head and seeing the passengers passing by, with so many passing cars and crowds. I saw every face were so taut and they were so nervous and busy doing thing. A song came to me, " I couldn't find any peace in my mind whenever I came here...I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I confused, I searched, I lost here..." Suddenly I felt so lonely and I stared at the icy steel bars, a sense of confusion surrounding me.

I kept asking myself: Beijing, what could you give me on earth? Was it for my teacher's expecting eyes? Was it for the complimentary words from my relatives and friends? Was it for the banking card which could only maintain my existence? Or for the vanity to prove that I have "values"? I continued thinking: What did I leave in Beijng? Nothing!

I tossed and turned, but sleep won't come. I found no peace in my heart. Why I lost my first love and pureness to God, how could I cast out the heart of loving Jesus? I was just like an ant on a hot pan and at a loss, a cloud of sorrow enveloping me.

Later, I came to another metropolis where I hoped to experience a different life in a different environmet, but I found I still had the same mood, the same burden and the same life. Now I know that all of the unhappy feelings and the discontentment are not because of the metropoli's prosperity and tempetation, but because of my heart. It is because I left the Lord, the church, and I lost my Christian life. 

Just at that time, I broke up with my first love. I felt like the whole world was hurting me. Why I was so tired when I sincerely give everything to a person? I didn't know true love at all. That time the simple sentences like "I love you" and "I will be good to you", which were mistaken it as a convention of love. The two-year campus love was so weak in a flash and we were separeate to live our own different lives. When I knew that he got married just half a year after we broke up, I felt it was unfair to me. I would comfort myself: It was me who firstly chose to break up with him. Since he had a happy life, I would be glad to bless him. While in my deep heart, I knew I was just lying to myself, full of jealousy and sorrows. I counldn't find anything to satisfy my empty heart, then what did I need indeed?

Until one day, the moment I opened that heavy Bible, an electric shock struck my heart. Why was the book so heavy when I hold it? I knew it was not because of the weight of the Bible, but because my heart was twined with so much worldly things. Later, my mother gave me a Bible player. When I heard the "return" which was preached by the pastor Kou Shaoen, my heart was melt with love. Gradually, I openned my heart and released my emotion. I was like a little bird shuttled between the metropolis, who paid the price of my youth to searching for my happiness, but in the end I found money could never satisfy my heart's emptiness and loneliness. I wrongly thought my ex-boyfriend was my idol and comfort, but he counldn't support a blue sky for me. 

I knelt down and prayed, "Lord, I did something wrong. I lived in sin before, walking in the deserted wilderness,thirsty and confusing. But I didn't come near to you and search for brightness and living water in you; I lived a wandering life in the past but now, Lord, I don't want to turn round and round in sin, I want you to live in me to make me enjoy the joy and peace of life. Lord, your love can never change. You teach us to forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead. I want to be changed in you, as a new person as well as a grateful child."

I couldn't let go the past experiences and always recalled  the past pain, but the Lord who always gives me comfort, heals my weakness and changes my life let me count his grace for thousands of times and become strong in his grace.

Now, I'm already a seminary student in a divinity school in Helongjiang province. I gratefuly thank God for using the humble servant. After having experienced so many things, I enjoy the Lord's gentleness now. I know wherever I am in, what kind of job I do, so I can never leave him.

Dear God, I thank and praise you. For me, you kept calling me back thousands of times and made me change my heart. In this moment, I would like listen to your precious words quietly, be a communicator of your cross. For me, you kept calling me thousands of times and the marks of your work lie in my heart.

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